A Milestone of Sobriety
I was the next to last celebrant at my group last month. The January birthday board was shorter than last year: one 1-year, then a couple of 4’s and 8’s, then a shocking jump to 21. It’s well-known lore in the rooms that there are lengths of sobriety especially conducive to “going out”: around 5, again at 7, and most of the “teens”. By far the largest group were those of us in the 20’s. I have 25 years now. The guy after me had 45!
The night was such a celebration of family recovery. Several kids gave chips to their parent. Three of my sponsees and the love of my life were there. When I spoke, I talked about the members of my family who can’t or won’t get sober and how hard that is on the non-alcoholics who love them and are powerless to help them stop drinking.
If you’re an alcoholic, it’s excruciatingly difficult to get sober. Those of us who swear by the 12 Steps believe it can’t be done without a by-God miracle. However, once through “boot camp” (90 meetings in 90 days) the challenge changes. STAYING sober is a different ballgame entirely.
Here are 7 of my tools for enjoying long-term recovery from drugs and alcohol:
Remember it’s not an Achievement, it’s a Gift
If I tell an outsider how many years it’s been since I had a drink, the usual response is to congratulate me and praise my “strength”. This dangerously misinformed reaction feeds my ego and it’s easy to believe that it is MY achievement. My thoughts and actions play a crucial role, of course, but it is by far a minor part. I often talk about doing my 1% and God does the rest.
One Day at a Time means Every Day
I remember listening to a member who had repeatedly slipped and reestablished and never put much continuous sobriety together. She said “those one-chip wonders don’t seem to take any days off”! The oft-repeated lament from the few who come back in after having years of abstinence and then drinking is “I stopped coming to meetings”. I have a firm rule that if I miss my regular weekly meeting I need to attend a makeup meeting. Under no circumstances do I allow myself to go two weeks without a meeting. In between meetings I talk to other alcoholics, read the literature, and improve my conscious contact by using the tools in my spiritual toolkit. Every. Day.
You Said You’d Do ANYTHING
I have to remember my surrender. I had a sponsor who would listen (for a little while!) to me explain why I didn’t want to do some indicated action. “Well,” she’d say, “I know you did a good Third Step once.” Our book says “we asked His protection and care with complete abandon” and “it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol”. It’s like the old Meat Loaf song “I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do that”! When I pray “God, I offer myself to Thee” I have to mean it and do it no matter what.
My Problem is Me, and my Solutions are Love and God
I believe that I have a physical allergy to alcohol and drugs that makes me react abnormally to them. Once abstinent, however, my troubles are mostly mental, emotional, and spiritual. The last page of the Step 7 essay in the 12&12 tells me my problem is not “them” or “it”, it’s ME. I want what I want when I want it!
The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear — primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living on a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.
The solutions to my problems are always spiritual. Improving my conscious contact shows me who and how to help, and helping others (who need and want it!) is the most important thing I do. The feeling of being genuinely useful is much better than the feeling I found in the Jack Daniels bottle all those years ago.
Keep it Green
I need exposure to newcomers. It helps me tremendously to hear their stories: how they blew up their life in 20 minutes, the insidious insanity of the first drink, their minute-by-minute struggles with obsession. I remember when I was that way, and I realize afresh that I can be there again if I believe the lie that a drink will help. (The Terminator in my head still offers that solution when I’m in a slippery place!)
It is also profoundly inspirational to watch their eyes begin to come alive, to hear their astonishment and joy as sobriety begins to reward their efforts. Best of all, I get to see them reach out and help the next alcoholic from darkness to light. To someone with 25 days, a person with 25 years is from a different planet. They are far more impressed with someone with 25 weeks or 25 months!
Another way to keep my program fresh and vital is to go to meetings other than my home group. It’s uncomfortable to “feel like a newcomer” when you visit an unfamiliar group, but that is another reminder of how important it is to extend a welcoming hand myself. I ask others where they go to meetings and attend conferences, anniversaries, and birthday nights. I also love speaker meetings, in-person or recorded.
Have (and use) a Sponsor
From the very beginning, I resisted getting a sponsor. I much prefer the self-help approach! But having one trusted person who has permission to hurt my feelings to save my life and who I will accept direction from without argument has turned out to be vital. My sponsor has significantly more time than me, but that is not a requirement, especially the longer you stay sober. I rarely call her (to my detriment!), but we attend meetings together and have a formal face-to-face every month or so.
The most important ingredient is trust. I realized years ago there were some topics I avoided with my sponsor because I didn’t feel safe bringing them up. Even so, I put off changing sponsors for a long time! Sponsor-shopping is humbling and frightening, but I believe it is essential. If you are without one, pray to be led to the right spiritual partner. In the meantime, call other alcoholics regularly and practice being honest and open-minded with them.
Here to be Human
While I am fortunate to feel purposeful and peaceful much of the time, I am also afraid and resistant to God’s will every day. It’s important to acknowledge that the goal is not to conquer my nature, but to focus (without judgement) on next right action.
When I was new, I’d see longtimers pretending they were OK when they were clearly upset and in trouble. I later found out they were afraid the youngsters would think the program didn’t work if they were a mess. No, no, a thousand times no!
We are told at the beginning of every meeting we can only recover if we “have the capacity to be honest”. When I share with a group or a member, I now freely admit my unflattering thoughts, feelings, and even actions. Surprisingly, people relate more to my vulnerability than they ever did when I was trying to appear perfect! I’m not supposed to be an angel here on earth. Angels belong in Heaven! As Ernest Kurtz wrote in “The Spirituality of Imperfection”, we are “less than the gods, more than the beasts, yet somehow also both.” It’s about doing my best. Joy follows right action.
I wrote this post because a sponsee asked “How does it feel to be 25 years sober?” I had lunch with my sponsor last week and we agreed I will call her more often. My mother sat me down a while back and thanked me for my continued sobriety in the face of heartbreaking drinking by our relatives, one of whom just died. She said she realized it might not be as easy as it looked.
That is certainly true. It’s like ducks gliding on a pond. Their movement is apparently effortless, smooth and peaceful. But those feet are constantly paddling underneath the surface!
Do you have other tools and routines that help you stay clean and sober? Did you leave AA and take a different path? I invite your comments so we can learn from each other!
